Incubation transmutation.... The hilarity of being knocked up!

So, you're pregnant right? Squeal! So exciting!

You'll glow, you'll be the talk of the office and friends/family, you won't put on much weight, the birth will be juuuuust like in the movies, you'll look glamourous, you will not swear and you'll bounce back to your previous pre-baby weight of 55kg within seconds of your Hollywood birth.... Right? ..... Right?

Well, some of these statements are true.... some. I'll let you guess which ones.

Throughout both incubations of my little humans I discovered many exciting and not so exciting truths.

In no particular order, these revelations are:-

The Good Stuff!

Norgs! Buoyant, fun, perky boobies!

Bloating and baby-bump can and will be the same thing.

Great hair!

Great skin!

You are so clever,  you are growing, yep, growing a small human inside YOUR amazing body!

No-one looks at you with disgust as you demolish an entire baked potato the size of Western Australia, floating in a pool of butter, cheese, sour cream and bacon (true story).

You can buy stuff, lots of stuff, all the time, ya know ..... "For the baby."

The happy second trimester hormones! Oh the energy, the love, the joy! You will love everyone, all the time!

Chocolate ..... 'nuff said.

The Bad Stuff!

You should not eat everything in sight.

Your fabulous new bouncy norgs will eventually transform into the size of 2 small Japanese 4 cylinder hatch backs.

Your face will grow .... a lot.....

If you're not onto it, your nether regions may require a visit from a local lawn mowing franchisee.

Your nipples could take someones eyes out.

The rules of personal space etiquette for strangers (mainly older ladies named Jan or Moira) does not exist.

You WILL eventually lose your ankles, your wrists, bladder control, appropriate emotional reactions to anything/anytime/anywhere "WHAT IN THE HELL IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?!" control.

You will lost your neck and the ability to get off the floor, walk or dress yourself elegantly.

The angry first and third trimester hormones! Oh the lack of energy, the hunger, the tears! You will hate everyone, all the time!


That "totally awesome" 2cm butterfly tattoo you had permanently, yes that's right Leah, permanently tattooed onto your left boob when you were 17 will morph into a Bogong Moth.

All the frightening birth stories you will be told (by either a Jan or a Moira) that could be easily be mistaken for a scene from one of the "Saw" movies.

You will always find a gravy stain on your shirt.... even when you haven't eaten gravy... or have you?

Flatulence.
 
Vomit.


I have taken the time to put together a time lapse photo series to highlight the metamorphosis of pre, ante and post natal stages:-

Before, glowing, perky, probably drunk!

Glowing, less perky, hungry!

Grunt....

Now, don't get me wrong, pregnancy is a beautiful, unforgettable experience. What with all the vomit, nausea, bloating, inappropriate tummy touching (I'm looking at you Jan and Moira) acne and flatulence, I can assure you that having a baby is the most wonderfully life enriching life experiences I have ever had ..... For the most part anyway.....  (Insert winky smiley face here)